I think I’ve come to the realization that I’m not very good at joining things. Over the years, I’ve kind of blamed my solo-gaming-nature on just enjoying solo gaming more than group gaming, and pound for pound I think that stands. But since I have decided to try and be more interactive, I found that I am apparently unable to be more interactive.
I have tried to join guilds in many games with grand plans to get involved, speak up, be noticed, get in good with the locals, be known…but it’s almost never happened. My personality is not one that allows me to be the kind of person that flings himself into someone else’s conversation. I don’t have insight to contribute, and a lot of the times I just don’t really care to interject myself into a conversation because why? Just to be noticed? To me, that makes me annoying, and that’s not the kind of “being noticed” that one is looking for when trying to make a new group of friends. Even when I do have something to say, it’s often passed over: just yesterday I announced to this guild that I joined that the servers would be going down soon (as seen on Twitter!). That knowledge was passed along a few minutes later by another member who said that “someone else said that…”. I didn’t even rank high enough for anyone to bother to remember who it was that said something quotable. #sadface
That does make me sad, and because I can’t really bring myself to get beyond this certain level of comfort injecting myself into other people’s established spaces, I feel that quitting the guild would be the best option for me, because it always hangs over my head that I’m a bad guild member whenever I’m playing. I’m not even playing right now and I’m thinking about it, that’s how much it bothers me.
I’ve said in the past (maybe not in this incarnation of the blog) that I think the best guilds always meet their members half way. I know that’s often really hard to do because it means that the guild members all have to make time to take care of other guild members and that can be a tall order. It also means that guild members need to step up and do their part to introduce themselves and get involved with the existing members. I just can’t seem to force myself to do that, and that’s really weird in some ways. I see a lot of people hand-wringing over how introverted they are and how they have multiple personas for different groups, while I’ve always taken the tack that fuck it…if I’m here as you read me, I’m me as you interact with me, no masks or anything like that, but this is the one aspect I just can’t get under control. I don’t expect people to just “awwww” over this revelation, but I guess it means I need to stop thinking that “finding the right guild” is actually something that’s possible.